World Cup 2010 Vuvuzela Style

When the world turns up on our shores for the 2010 World Cup, there will be many more things to experience and enjoy than just soccer.  South Africa is a country of beautiful natural scenery, amazing wildlife, wonderful holiday destinations, a rich diversity of cultures and languages, entertainement for all tastes, friendly citizens and 

THE VUVUZELA!

(Photo borrowed from http://www.boogieblast.co.za/vuvuzela.htm#beadedvuvu)

On this same site you will learn that the vuvuzela have many purposes, such as

Cricket bat.

Hearing Aid.

Petrol funnel.
Water sprayer. (force trumpet side down into water)
Drinking funnel. Nuff said.
4G mobile communication
Walking stick,
Light saber. (Just insert a torch) as seen on Starwars….
 and/or
Jousting Stick (simply insert one into another.)

However, the true purpose of it is to encourage your soccer team.  Just blow on it (easier said than done) and not only your team, but everybody in a radius of at least a kilometre, will know that you are there to support them!

Not all vuvuzelas are as beautifully decorated as the beaded one above, but they all make the same

ear-splitting,

god-awful

cacophonous 

noise imaginable.  It was requested that vuvuzelas be banned from the World Cup matches but the request was denied and I am glad it was because the vuvuzela is the one thing that will make World Cup 2010 a truly African event.

Granted, some overseas visitors might not like the Africa they will experience through the vuvuzela, but at least it will be more real than the quixotic picture that they have of life in Africa.  As we say here in Africa:  "Africa is not for cissies" and I am sure that after one match, with 20,000 vuvuzelas blowing in their ears, they will know why we say that.

A very clever young man over here,  drew up the following funny, but also practical, set of rules.

1. Never blow a vuvuzela in an enclosed space. A properly blown vuvuzela has the same effect on the ears as a car bomb exploding next to you. While the noise adds to the primal energy vital to football stadiums everywhere, blowing a vuvuzela in a bus, car, your office, your home, a restaurant, the hospital waiting room and the local pub is not nice for everyone else. Remember, the sound comes out of the end that is pointing away from you, but which is aimed at everyone else. So while your ears may not ache in protest at your strident display of patriotism, everyone else’s will.

2. Blowing a vuvuzela requires a lot of effort. Given the nature of the instrument – wind – quite a lot of sputum accumulates in it after a particularly exciting match; worth bearing in mind if you are:


a. Going to lend your vuvuzela to someone else;


b. Borrowing someone else’s vuvuzela;


c. Planning to perform an emergency tracheotomy.


3. Point 3 follows on closely from Point 2. Unlike Antonio Stradivari’s violin, which should only be used as a violin, the vuvuzela doubles as a drinking funnel – Stradivari must be kicking himself for that oversight. Given Point 2, it is wise to rinse out your vuvuzela before putting it to use in this capacity. Furthermore, as a courtesy to other people, please wash out your vuvuzela before you take it to the next game. Sitting next to someone who not only makes the noise of an inebriated yak, but also smells like one is not anyone’s idea of a good day out.


4. Much like a Stradivari, the vuvuzela is a musical instrument and not a traditional weapon. When tempers fray during a football game, remember; blow the vuvuzela and let the security marshals resolve the fracas.


5. You are not a drum majorette, and even if you are, the vuvuzela is a not a baton.


6. While vuvuzelas will be a dime-a-dozen during the 2010 FIFA World Cup™, do not throw yours in a fit of pique. The unfortunate on who your vuvu lands is unlikely to take kindly to a clout on the head and may well ignore Point 4. Having now provided him/her with a weapon, you could struggle to explain the finer points of care for musical instruments while he/she vents his/her displeasure at being brained by yours. .


7. The atmosphere is a vast open space filled with 78% nitrogen and 21% oxygen, neither of which objects to the sound of your frantic blowing. The Earth is also vast, but in and around football stadiums during the World Cup the Earth is likely to be populated with football fans who may object to having their carefully coiffed hair being blown back by your enthusiasm. In short; blow up, not down.


8. A minimum of 90 minutes of football can be tiring at the best of times, but when coupled with the lung-busting efforts of playing your vuvu, it can be downright exhausting. However, no matter how tired you are and how inviting the shoulder of the person in front of you looks, never, I repeat, never give in to the temptation to rest your vuvuzela on some unsuspecting’s shoulder and then blow vigorously. The sensation doesn’t demand a repeat performance and genuinely feels like someone is trying to hammer a large aubergine into your ear hole.

Let's hope all the vuvuzela blowers, read and abide by these rules.